Saturday, August 27, 2011

Time is continuing to fly by and I hate it. Where is the pause button for life?

It's been almost a month since I returned to work, and things haven't been very easy in that month. Most days I'm lucky if I'm home by 6, we scramble to eat dinner, clean up a bit, and take care of the boys, and then it's bedtime. There have been days when I've had about 30 minutes total to be with Wes, and I feel my heart aching at the thought. These days of him being little are quickly passing, and I'm really not able to enjoy them.

He has grown so much in the past month, yet at some level he hasn't changed much. His chubby little cheeks and thighs make me smile every time I look at them, especially because Aiden has always been ridiculously skinny and never had that baby pudge. He's getting into somewhat of a routine finally. By that I mean he's typically down for the night at about 8pm, might wake up once around 4:30am for about 3 oz of a bottle (depending on how much he slept during the day), wakes up around 7am for a little more bottle, and generally falls back asleep for another hour or so. He still seems to be all over the board during the day, and a lot of the times doesn't sleep much. I think if he could be held and snuggled 24/7, he would be in complete heaven and would sleep a lot more during the day. Unfortunately, though, we do need to get things done.
Tom and his mom have been splitting the duties of watching him on the two days a week that we both (should) work. They each take him for 1/2 of those two days. I'm still not at a point where I feel comfortable putting him in a daycare facility. In fact, I'm barely even comfortable leaving him with Tom's mom. I didn't realize how difficult of a time I would have with this whole thing.
The sucky part is that I would actually bring home more money if I worked part-time due to the fact that we wouldn't need to pay for daycare. Not only could I spend more time with my boys, but I would never have to leave them in the hands of strangers. The fact that I'm the only one who's able to carry health insurance for our family is the only thing holding me back.

The difficulties don't stop there.

Our finances got the best of us, and our debt just continues to grow, so we made the decision to move in with my parents for awhile. While I feel that the benefits are definitely worth the sacrifices we'll be making during that time, it hasn't made the reality of leaving our home any easier to deal with. I truly adore this house, the community, and the life we have here. I feel horribly guilty about taking Aiden from his home - he loved this place the moment we got here and seems to feel so comfortable here. I know that it will be slightly easier because of the fact that we'll be living with his Grams and Opa, but it's still going to be very different and we're still creating chaos in his life. He isn't even 3 years old and we've moved four times.
We're hoping to get our feet back on the ground enough to buy a house at the end of all of this. I have no idea if that's an attainable goal, but it's still the goal. We'd like to take advantage of the USDA loan program, and with the interest rate subsidy I think it would be much more financially achievable, but there's still a lot that needs to fall into place to make that happen. Regardless of whether we buy a house, we're going to be working hard on getting our debt reduced and our credit raised so that we're able to live on our own again.
So, next weekend (Labor Day Weekend) is our moving weekend. The first task is going to be getting all of the stuff we need over to my parents house, the second task will be getting everything else into storage at the farm. We just started packing tonight, and with my lack of available time, I think things are going to be rather crazy. We've barely even started this process and I'm SO ready for it to be over.

In general, I'm ready for the chaos to end.

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