Funk

I'm in a funk tonight.

I think this happens every two months or so. For some reason I just go through a day, or a few days, of just purely focusing on my past. The feelings that I felt become real again, and I almost feel like I'm suffocating in the sadness. It all just consumes me...haunts me.

Tom and I had our first night out together since Wes was born. It was so nice to go out and just be me. Not mom...just me.  We had originally planned on going to a movie, but after that plan backfired a few times we decided to eat dinner on the patio at The Cheesecake Factory. I spent most of the time stuck in my thoughts, which I feel slightly bad about. Everything was bringing me back to those years of misery and I just couldn't escape from it. For instance, staring at the Barnes and Noble across the street, I was flooded with memories of the countless days I spent in the psychology section of the store instead of going to school. I could remember how good it felt to drown myself in the words between all those covers, like the more I read the further away from my thoughts and feelings I could get. I could feel the emptiness again, the loneliness, the desire to be whisked away from the world. All just memories, but still so raw. 


I'm not sure how long this funk will last. With any luck I'll wake up tomorrow and be back to "normal". It's a constant reminder that I'll never be completely free from it all. I would love to be able to forget, but I guess then I wouldn't be able to appreciate the place I'm in as much as I do.

Aiden is up north with my parents for the weekend, so I have another opportunity to relax and enjoy my Wesley. I love the time I get to spend with him, when I can just stare at him and be fascinated by him. He's back to being an insanely mellow little man, only crying when he's hungry or cold. He sleeps the majority of the time that he's not eating, but when he is awake he's perfectly content to lay there and look around at his world. His eyes get so big when he scans his surroundings, and it's so fun to watch. His laid back nature has definitely been a huge blessing.

Time to get myself out of my head.