Get Me Out of Here!

The latest in our shitty apartment nightmare:

Our cable and internet went out on Friday night/Saturday morning. We figured it was a fluke and waited awhile, but finally Tom called on Sunday and made an appointment for Monday (during Aiden's nap time - thanks hun).

Dude comes out and pulls out all his fancy tools, running in and out of the apartment. An hour a half later and almost ready to give up, he says "I think I've found why your cable doesn't work. Come with me." We walk downstairs where he hands me this metal thing with cable screws hanging out everywhere, and shows me some cut up cable."Someone's been tapping into your cable. That's a splitter used to get your cable into their cable line. It's illegal, and I'd say it's coming from apartment 1."

YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!

Okay, not that I'm shocked. This place is really the scum of all scum and nothing surprises me, but come on people. Isn't that a bit ridiculous?

Our cable and internet are back in working order now, and Tom left a note on the main entrance to our building addressed to "Whoever was stealing our cable..." (Not my idea, but whatever makes him feel better.)

As if I didn't hate this place enough already.

BUT! We move on Thursday. There are boxes everywhere and this place is a disaster zone, but incidences like the above continually remind me that it's all worth it. We're heading off to our little pleasant-ville house where we can finally enjoy some peace and quiet without having to worry that someone is hacking into our freaking cable. Do I feel sorry for the people who are moving in here? Slightly. They have no idea what they're getting into. In this situation, though, my tiny feelings of guilt are overpowered by the strong need to get the hell out of here.

Now, if you will please brace yourself for the horrifying pictures that follow. Please note! I do not live this way out of choice. I am just as appalled as you are. (Notice that I have attempted to keep some sort of organization but my attempts are failing)

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Stuff on the counters, stuff on the table, stuff on the floor, boxes covering every inch


Bare walls, empty shelves, and - you guessed it- MORE BOXES!

Doors of Opportunity?

My doctor in Boston introduced me to a lady named Tami Green. She, like me, has Borderline Personality Disorder and is recovered. She is now a life coach especially geared towards those with BPD and is traveling all over the country to do presentations and attend different events. In a nutshell? She has my dream job!

Heather's death has sparked such an intense desire in me to use my experience to help others in the same position. I want to help people - I've always wanted to help people - and I want to help others through what I've been through.

Here comes the magical part of this story:
Apparently Tami is overwhelmed with work and wants to expand her business. Uh, HI! That's where I come in!! When she met with my doctor today for a little chat (because he's this big-wig psychiatrist that everyone wants to meet with apparently) and mentioned this to him, he gave her my name and then preceded to email us both. What did he have to say about me?

"Tami - Lauren is a wonderful young woman, whom I had mentioned and who is very bright and has been a huge advocate of her care, and treatment of BPD. As you consider other people who might be good in terms of advocacy and coaching, Lauren has done a tremendous job of healing and she is a great writer. She has talked of getting into doing direct work with people who suffer with BPD."

Thank you, doc!

So what if this is my foot-in-the-door opportunity? I can't imagine doing anything more fulfilling than helping people with BPD. I can't imagine being any more passionate about my job than I would be if I was essentially doing the same thing Tami is doing.

Obviously I'm getting way ahead of myself, here. She hasn't emailed me back and I have no idea if this will even lead me anywhere, but just the idea of it all has me in a tizzy. Yes, a tizzy.

If this is something I choose to go after, I may quit my nursing education. WCTC actually has a Human Services Degree which would go along nicely with a life coach certification in terms of credentials. I get that having some form of education would be beneficial, so giving up school altogether probably isn't the best idea. But honestly, my heart is way more into psychology than it is in nursing (for obvious reasons).

I guess we'll see where this takes me.

Mad World

I'm not sure how much longer I'm going to be walking through life in a complete daze and ready to cry at any moment. I cried a lot less today, but the breakdowns were much more sporadic. Something as simple as eating dinner will make me remember a specific time I had with Heather and cause tears to well up.

As I find out more and more about the circumstances surrounding her death, I realize that there was no way to prevent what happened from happening. It was a meticulously thought out plan - something that took great amounts of preparing for on her part, and obviously something she was more than determined to accomplish. There was no turning back for her. She wrapped up every loose end imaginable and never looked back.

I did not fall asleep until 4am this morning, and woke up at 7 with Aiden. My brain wanders to too many places and fills up with countless questions, images, and worries. I was able to take a nap for a few hours and was haunted by the thoughts even in my sleep.

I know that this is the most difficult time and that it will indeed pass. I know I will always feel the sadness at some level and that this will forever be with me. I wish it wasn't something I had to experience in life - I wish it wasn't something anyone had to experience in life.

The world is continuing to live on, and despite the fact that I've been avoiding almost everything for the past 32 hours, I know I've got to jump back into things as well. Our move is officially scheduled for October 1st which is only a week away. We have a pretty good start to our packing but there's still a lot that needs to be done. Time just seems to be ticking at half the speed - I can't get out of this place fast enough. I am so excited to be moving into something that is an actual home and I will not miss the white trash that surrounds us here.

We also booked our trip out to Boston last night. We're leaving early in the morning on October 15th and coming back late on October 16th. I wish we could stay longer but we can't afford the expense of a Friday night hotel room in downtown Boston. I'll be seeing my doctor for an hour each day, but otherwise we're going to enjoy as much of the city as we possibly can in the time that we have. I'm lucky that I know my way around so we don't have to mess around with that part of things. It's going to be hard to narrow down the places that we visit to just a few, though. Regardless, my main reason for going is to catch up with my doctor. After a brief conversation on the phone with him yesterday I knew it was important for me to make the trip to see him. Especially after all that has happened, I really need to get my head together.

Pure exhaustion has set in, though. Hopefully I will be too tired to think.

Loss of Words

I'm quite a disaster at the moment. My eyes are probably going to red and puffy for the next week due to the amount of crying I've done today. It's a pure and raw anguish that runs through every inch of the body.

I lived with an amazing woman named Heather when I was in Boston. We met through Craigslist, essentially. She needed a roommate and I needed a room. Despite the fact that the rent was too high and utilities were not included, I really liked Heather when I met her that first day so I signed the lease anyway. We had a lot of fun times in our little apartment - eating dinner on the floor of our bedrooms together and talking about our days. It turns out that we had a lot in common, including our struggle with Borderline Personality Disorder and depression - and the age gap of about 8 years was quickly closed. After six months of living together, we both reluctantly said goodbye when I decided that I needed to be back home 1,000 miles away.
We've kept in contact and often spoke about the immediate connection we felt in each other.

I wanted to ask her if Tom and I could stay there for a night or two while we were in Boston visiting my doctor. I finally decided to do it today after pushing it off for quite awhile. When I typed her name into my Facebook search, nothing came up. I was hoping she hadn't un-friended me for some reason. A list of web results showed up in the Facebook search - an obituary was the first thing.

Heather - my Heather - died on September 9th. Died. It just rings in my head, over and over. Even worse, she took her own life.

The only thing I felt when I first put it all together was complete shock. I didn't know what to think or feel. I called my mother and relayed the information, almost hoping that she would tell me how to feel. As soon as I hung up the phone I burst into tears and have been barely functioning ever since. Tom was able to come home and take care of Aiden so I could somehow take care of myself.

Needless to say, the shock has passed and sadness and despair have moved in. The fact that she killed herself has made everything much harder. I have very personal experience with suicide, and being on this side of it has thrown me for a loop.

It's going to take awhile to heal from this. I know life goes on, but so will the aching in my heart.

Dollah Dollah Bill, Ya'll

WE MADE IT!

Our money drought has officially ended and we made it. Part of my financial aid finally got dispersed and it couldn't have come at a better time for us. In fact, without all the birthday money Tom just got, we would have gone off the deep end.

Both of us have breathed a little sigh of relief. Being poor is pretty stressful so this is a HUGE burden off our shoulders for awhile.

I also managed to finagle that missing $3000 out of the school. I dutifully wrote my letter that explained why I needed them to increase my "budget", and not a day later I looked online to see that they had given it to me. HELL. YES. Nothing is ever that easy for me! Although, the loan company apparently hasn't gotten word about this extra money yet. I checked today and they're missing a large chunk so I'll be on the phone with people again come Monday - of course it couldn't be that easy.

Despite everything being super crazy I am managing to fit some hours of work in here and there. I probably could be doing more, but I've decided that I'm not going to completely give up my sanity. The company I'm working for is trying its best to light a fire under me - the owner emailed me on Thursday to let me know that I was given a pretty generous raise. They only need my help until the beginning of October, so I really should be busting ass to crank out some hours while I can, but one look at Aiden's cute face and I'm on the floor playing with him instead.

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The Official Countdown Has Begun

We're moving soon! It doesn't feel like we're moving soon. We have five tiny little boxes packed and sitting in our dining room, and that's about the end of our preparations. I am not looking forward to moving in the slightest. Packing junk up, taking apart furniture, lifting the heavy furniture, moving, putting everything away, and then hanging up all the curtains and pictures - I hate it all. We just barely got settled here and now we're doing it all over again.

I AM looking forward to getting out of this dump though. The closer we get to leaving, the more annoyed we get with this whole place. I'm so ready for some quiet nights in our cute little house on the cul-de-sac. And maybe some cabinets that don't fall apart, a dishwasher that washes dishes, and windows that don't leak when it rains.


Unfortunately I should probably get back to working.

Super-NOT

That thing I said about being SuperMom and taking on the world with ease? Not exactly working out as planned. Apparently working, studying, parenting, cleaning, moving, and making invitations for a wedding IS indeed too much for one person to do without becoming completely overwhelmed and stressed to the max. In fact, I think it really is impossible to accomplish it all.

I venture on, though.

In the midst of all the chaos was ToM's 21st BiRtHdAy (even more to add to my plate). Obviously since it was his 21st and last "awesome" birthday I had to put a bit of effort into it. I planned a surprise party for him that took place at the SafeHouse in Milwaukee. It was just family and two of his friends, but he totally loved it and it went off perfectly. I also managed to decorate the house, bake a double-layered cake and keep the house clean enough to have everyone over after dinner. (Which means yes, I entertained!)




My child is such a ham


I screwed up the wording so this is Plan B: The Van Goh cake


Then, on Sunday, even though I was already in over my head with things to do, we headed off to the Packers vs. Chicago game. We decided to hitch a ride with Tom's uncle in order to save gas, and because he pretty much rides in style (and hires a professional driver).




We had tickets to a tailgating party beforehand that had unlimited food and beverage, so we enjoyed that before taking a walk through BOTH Pro Shops (Aiden's the new owner of a #12 jersey) and then finally heading to our seats.



Drinking beer purely because he legally can - however nobody was doing any sort of carding. Why does that only happen AFTER he turns 21?


Hot and sweaty at a Packer game - very rare (dude directly behind me on my right was comparing Obama to Hitler. Hitler? Really?)

We didn't make it home until 3:30 due to insane traffic and the fact that we decided to ride in the party mobile. Monday was a complete waste of a day because I was physically ill from being so exhausted.

I am NOT cut out for late night fun anymore. Therefore we won't be attending any 7:00pm Packer games from now on, unless we have a hotel to stay in directly after.

With Monday being almost non-existant, the amount of work, school work, and other necessary tasks have built up to an un-manageable level. We have about two weeks before we move and yet that's still dead last on my list of concerns. The good news? After scrounging around the house for some baby-worthy food today, we finally made it to the store so Aiden won't starve.

Sock Monkey Heaven

Aiden's birthday is coming around soon (sorta....) and I'm frantically trying to get everything in order. I've recruited a lovely person at Etsy to throw together the perfect sock-monkey themed party.

Besides the custom made stuff, here's a sneak peak at what's in the plans:

or


Cake topper


Bib

And for mom....



Some bling-bling!

Lake Geneva

Here I sit at 6am because for some crazy reason I can't sleep. Oh well.

Lake Geneva yesterday was quite wonderful. Tom and I both reminisced to about a year ago when we were last there, with Aiden still in my belly. I have to say that despite the challenges traveling with a baby can raise, I was much happier being able to hold in my arms this time. Just for fun, here's a little 'Then & Now'....



Aiden was a CHAMP for us. Despite the fact that he absolutely refused to nap in the car on the way there, he wasn't overly crabby and seemed to enjoy everything. I was so incredibly proud of him.


On today's agenda....
Gotta call WCTC and figure out the financial aid stuff. They finally gave me my award, however it's missing about $3,000 in loans that we were counting on for income. I have no idea if I can somehow negotiate that money, but I'm sure as hell going to try. Otherwise I'm not entirely sure what we're going to do.

Times A Tickin'

We've been a pretty busy bunch lately. Here's the latest happening's...

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Aiden's 1st Sleepover

Well, maybe not really - but sort of! Aiden's 6 week old friend Brendan came to stay for the night so his mom could get some much needed R&R. Aiden thought he was pretty cool and was even starting to like him UNTIL he started crying. That led to two screaming babies and not much fun.
As nice as it was snuggling a tiny baby again, I was more than willing to fork Brendan back over the next morning. At the very least, it was a good form of birth control - I can NOT handle two children right now.



This was before Brendan started crying

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Cook-Out

We decided to use Tom's parents house and enjoy an evening dinner outside. Hot dogs and corn - yum! It was gorgeous out, Aiden thinks grass is a field of food, and the pheasants got some leftovers.




The Grill Master



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The Joys of Stalking

On the way home from our cookout I forced Tom to drive past our new house for the billionth time. I'm still so in love and October still seems like forever away.




Our half - isn't it CUTE?!


Our yard with an adorable deck and enough room to play football



Tomorrow we're headed to Lake Geneva to enjoy an Ice Cream Social Boat Tour. I'm excited!

Shits about to get CrAzY!!

As if being a full time student and full time mommy aren't enough, I am now entering WORKING to the mix. What would be the cause of such insanity? The usual enticement of $$money$$, of course. And while all of my financial aid will be enough to get us by, it certainly doesn't leave much for fun stuff (like Boston!)

The only way I'm pulling this off is by working from home. Luckily for me, my mom works for a company that needs help and would also allow me to do everything at home. I've worked for them before so they know what they're dealing with already, and apparently they trust that I'll still do a good job.

Can't complain with some added dough in the account.

Balancing all of this is going to be interesting. Whenever I'm at home and have a spare moment I'm usually in dire need of studying (for example, I have a quiz in Anatomy & Physiology tomorrow and do not know a single ounce of the material yet). It's just going to be a LOT.

I can do it, though. I am



and, if I was Hispanic, would look much like this:




This SuperMom is off to do laundry and work.

Worlds Tallest Baby?

Okay, maybe not quite. But Aiden had his 9 month well-check and he is TALL.

Official stats:
Height - 30" (2.5 feet!!!) which lands him in the 93rd percentile
Weight - 19 lbs 3.5 oz gets him in the 27th percentile
Head Circumference - 18.75" a staggering 96th percentile

What this means in regular people terms:
Aiden is a helluva lot taller than most of the other 9 month olds, and a pretty good bit skinnier. He also apparently has a HUGE head in comparison to most his age.

Tall. Skinny. Big head. Exactly like his daddy!


His doctor also said he needs to come back in October for his flu shot. I haven't yet decided if I'm going along with this game plan. I personally am anti-flu shot. Even while I was pregnant and supposedly "high risk" I did not take the needle. I have yet to hear from one person that it has done them any good. And in fact, a lot of people who have received it have actually gotten grotesquely sick. Do I really need to be putting Aiden through that? It seems to me that people are just as fine, if not better without the stupid thing. So I guess we'll see what my final decision is.

Also big news today! I might have sold our lovely couch. I put it up on craigslist because it's too much of a beast to go in our new apartment, and the half-assed responses have been pretty irritating. But finally someone came to see it and said they want it, so lets hope that's the end of my couch-selling woes.

I'm contemplating two different couches as replacements.


70's Wonder

or

Modern Traditonal (ignore the pillows)



I want to pair the couch with this chair so I lean slightly more towards 7o's Wonder but I think it would look pretty cute with either.



And since I can paint, I'm thinking of going with a tasteful aqua color on the walls.



Wahhoo for decorating!