Mad World

I'm not sure how much longer I'm going to be walking through life in a complete daze and ready to cry at any moment. I cried a lot less today, but the breakdowns were much more sporadic. Something as simple as eating dinner will make me remember a specific time I had with Heather and cause tears to well up.

As I find out more and more about the circumstances surrounding her death, I realize that there was no way to prevent what happened from happening. It was a meticulously thought out plan - something that took great amounts of preparing for on her part, and obviously something she was more than determined to accomplish. There was no turning back for her. She wrapped up every loose end imaginable and never looked back.

I did not fall asleep until 4am this morning, and woke up at 7 with Aiden. My brain wanders to too many places and fills up with countless questions, images, and worries. I was able to take a nap for a few hours and was haunted by the thoughts even in my sleep.

I know that this is the most difficult time and that it will indeed pass. I know I will always feel the sadness at some level and that this will forever be with me. I wish it wasn't something I had to experience in life - I wish it wasn't something anyone had to experience in life.

The world is continuing to live on, and despite the fact that I've been avoiding almost everything for the past 32 hours, I know I've got to jump back into things as well. Our move is officially scheduled for October 1st which is only a week away. We have a pretty good start to our packing but there's still a lot that needs to be done. Time just seems to be ticking at half the speed - I can't get out of this place fast enough. I am so excited to be moving into something that is an actual home and I will not miss the white trash that surrounds us here.

We also booked our trip out to Boston last night. We're leaving early in the morning on October 15th and coming back late on October 16th. I wish we could stay longer but we can't afford the expense of a Friday night hotel room in downtown Boston. I'll be seeing my doctor for an hour each day, but otherwise we're going to enjoy as much of the city as we possibly can in the time that we have. I'm lucky that I know my way around so we don't have to mess around with that part of things. It's going to be hard to narrow down the places that we visit to just a few, though. Regardless, my main reason for going is to catch up with my doctor. After a brief conversation on the phone with him yesterday I knew it was important for me to make the trip to see him. Especially after all that has happened, I really need to get my head together.

Pure exhaustion has set in, though. Hopefully I will be too tired to think.