Loss of Words

I'm quite a disaster at the moment. My eyes are probably going to red and puffy for the next week due to the amount of crying I've done today. It's a pure and raw anguish that runs through every inch of the body.

I lived with an amazing woman named Heather when I was in Boston. We met through Craigslist, essentially. She needed a roommate and I needed a room. Despite the fact that the rent was too high and utilities were not included, I really liked Heather when I met her that first day so I signed the lease anyway. We had a lot of fun times in our little apartment - eating dinner on the floor of our bedrooms together and talking about our days. It turns out that we had a lot in common, including our struggle with Borderline Personality Disorder and depression - and the age gap of about 8 years was quickly closed. After six months of living together, we both reluctantly said goodbye when I decided that I needed to be back home 1,000 miles away.
We've kept in contact and often spoke about the immediate connection we felt in each other.

I wanted to ask her if Tom and I could stay there for a night or two while we were in Boston visiting my doctor. I finally decided to do it today after pushing it off for quite awhile. When I typed her name into my Facebook search, nothing came up. I was hoping she hadn't un-friended me for some reason. A list of web results showed up in the Facebook search - an obituary was the first thing.

Heather - my Heather - died on September 9th. Died. It just rings in my head, over and over. Even worse, she took her own life.

The only thing I felt when I first put it all together was complete shock. I didn't know what to think or feel. I called my mother and relayed the information, almost hoping that she would tell me how to feel. As soon as I hung up the phone I burst into tears and have been barely functioning ever since. Tom was able to come home and take care of Aiden so I could somehow take care of myself.

Needless to say, the shock has passed and sadness and despair have moved in. The fact that she killed herself has made everything much harder. I have very personal experience with suicide, and being on this side of it has thrown me for a loop.

It's going to take awhile to heal from this. I know life goes on, but so will the aching in my heart.