During my (seemingly) never-ending struggle with depression, self-injury, and Borderline Personality Disorder, I saw a psychologist with whom I will forever be in debt to. The darkest times of my life were walked through with him by my side, always assuring me that there was hope. He did everything within his power to help me out of the hole I was in, and never let me feel like I was in it alone. Admittedly, I wanted so bad for him to "rescue" me from the prison that was myself, that I probably forced him to cross the line a time or two. He didn't want to let me down - he couldn't let me down, out of the fear of losing me in response. I understand this extremely shitty position I put him in, and I understand that maybe he should have put his foot down at certain times. But even in thinking that, I'm always left to wonder; would I still be alive if he had? What if he hadn't been there?
This is the trouble with Borderline patients. We are so needy, and crave for someone to come save us. We'll threaten, become violent, or even attempt suicide to prove how much we need that person. And that person, feeling responsible and desperate to help, often feeds into it.
After awhile, my wonderful therapist had to throw the towel in. Even after being completely burnt out from trying everything in his power to bring me back from the edge, he still stuck with me until I was able to find a program that might suit my needs. Shortly after Christmas, I was on my way to Boston, MA to get treatment at the "famous" McLean Hospital.
Unfortunately, the guy who deserves nothing less than to see me alive, well, and happy can't even come close to me. It's been a long and drawn out battle, but my parents decided that they didn't want to pay for the time he devoted to my care. My belief is that the situation escalated into an ethics battle (however I don't know for sure because nobody will tell me anything), and for the last 6 months I have been awaiting an end to this horrific story.
A Google search provided me with the answer I didn't want to know, but needed to know:
http://psychcrimereporter.wordpress.com/2010/01/13/wisconsin-places-limitations-on-license-of-psychologist-paul-r-hamilton/
I am the 16 year old girl, and I am the monster that has created a nightmare in the life of a man that deserves nothing but praise for actually giving two shits about his patient.
It's a lot to bite off and chew. Much in the same way that he wished he could "fix" me, I wish I could fix what has happened. I'm completely and utterly powerless to do anything, and I think that's one of the worst pieces for me to try to digest. This man has done so much to help me, but there is nothing I can do to help him. Even worse? I'm the root of the problem.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
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Totally a fucked up situation and Id be extremely upset also - but you can get through it. Go play with your adorable babe :)
ReplyDeleteObviously he helped you so much you are able to see that he helped you and sometimes helped too much. He helped you when you needed it the most, he just billed the insurance agency wrong. It is unfortunate that a board of people at the insurance company can decide how much help someone gets.
ReplyDeleteDo you best to put this behind you and focus on your wedding planning and you little boy. Getting into a depressed funk won't help your path to a beautiful bride or your cutie patootie.
But I just have to say this to you because I dont want you sitting around beating yourself up over this. This is one of those situations where you are not to blame. If he wanted to treat you and cared for you so much and had that fear of you taking your own life, I understand that, but then he should of done that extra care for free. If your parents agreed to 2 sessions a week then he should have only billed for those 2 sessions any extra care he felt he needed to give you should have been from his own heart. You cant blame yourself, or feel like maybe you were to needy. Do you get what Im saying? He should have sat back and looked at the big picture, did he really think he could continue billing your parents insurance up to 7 times a week and they would just pay for it. I completely understand that he wanted to help you and feel like he couldnt have put his foot down and say no, but then he should have done that free of charge. You were a minor and that is how the billing/insurance policies work. The only other solution I could think of would be to find a way to explain to your parents how you feel they should pay the bill. Cant you continue seeing him under your own insurance now? If you're no longer on your parents insurance (and you were a minor at the time of treatment that has not been paid) then your parents owe him money… not you. You should be able to receive care from him now under your name as an adult. I hope you understand where Im coming from… this Doctor sounds like a very good person it just sucks he didn’t do that extra care for you for free. When it comes to insurance things are not ever simple. I hope this can all get resolved and you can see this great dr again someday. Meanwhile do not blame yourself. Plan your wedding and enjoy that your life has taken a turn for the better. If he really does care for his patients all this will be worth it to him, as long as you are happy and positive then his mission is accomplished.
ReplyDeleteI think you need to stop fishing for attention and trying to make people feel sorry for you just because you have health issues.I'm sorry but it's true.
ReplyDeleteLol. Yeah. So true.
ReplyDelete::eye roll::