I'm in a funk tonight.
I think this happens every two months or so. For some reason I just go through a day, or a few days, of just purely focusing on my past. The feelings that I felt become real again, and I almost feel like I'm suffocating in the sadness. It all just consumes me...haunts me.
Tom and I had our first night out together since Wes was born. It was so nice to go out and just be me. Not mom...just me. We had originally planned on going to a movie, but after that plan backfired a few times we decided to eat dinner on the patio at The Cheesecake Factory. I spent most of the time stuck in my thoughts, which I feel slightly bad about. Everything was bringing me back to those years of misery and I just couldn't escape from it. For instance, staring at the Barnes and Noble across the street, I was flooded with memories of the countless days I spent in the psychology section of the store instead of going to school. I could remember how good it felt to drown myself in the words between all those covers, like the more I read the further away from my thoughts and feelings I could get. I could feel the emptiness again, the loneliness, the desire to be whisked away from the world. All just memories, but still so raw.
I'm not sure how long this funk will last. With any luck I'll wake up tomorrow and be back to "normal". It's a constant reminder that I'll never be completely free from it all. I would love to be able to forget, but I guess then I wouldn't be able to appreciate the place I'm in as much as I do.
Aiden is up north with my parents for the weekend, so I have another opportunity to relax and enjoy my Wesley. I love the time I get to spend with him, when I can just stare at him and be fascinated by him. He's back to being an insanely mellow little man, only crying when he's hungry or cold. He sleeps the majority of the time that he's not eating, but when he is awake he's perfectly content to lay there and look around at his world. His eyes get so big when he scans his surroundings, and it's so fun to watch. His laid back nature has definitely been a huge blessing.
Time to get myself out of my head.
Friday, July 15, 2011
Farewell, House
Our financing got approved!
We sat down with the listing agent, all the papers in front of us, and began going through everything. What's included in the house, what's not, closing date, etc. In the midst of it all, our mortgage broker called to tell us that YES, we're pre-approved. With a loan amount of x the payments will be about $1500.
Woooahhhh there. Back that train up.
Tom and I looked at each other with intense shock and fear. $1500 a month was not the number we had come up with. We were struggling to accept a $1300 payment, but adding that additional $200 pretty much blew things out of the water.
With both of us panicking, but not really knowing what to do, we continued going over all the paperwork for the offer. Finally the listing agent stopped, looked at Tom, and said, "You don't look like you're comfortable with all of this." I think he took a huge sigh of relief when we were able to put the brakes on and talk about everything. We sat in the conference room alone for a bit, then we called Gary and told him where things stood, and then we called the listing agent back in.
So after all of that, we had to walk away.
It's weird to feel such a huge mixture of extreme disappointment and extreme relief all at the same time. That house would have been wonderful for us, and I'm sure that when and if we continue to look at homes, it's going to be beyond difficult to find one that will compare. At the same time, I think Tom and I would both prefer to be in a better financial position before we purchase a house. We knew what a good deal that house was, and our parents were willing to do whatever they could to help us take advantage of that deal. The problem is that we have quite a bit of debt to clear up, and we would be completely unable to furnish and decorate this awesome new house that we had.
We haven't quite figured out what our next step is in this whole process. Our ideal plan would be to tell our landlords that we're having financial difficulties (which isn't really a lie), pack our stuff into storage, and camp out at my parents house for a few months. With the money that we wouldn't be paying towards rent, electric, cable, etc., we would be able to pay off a lot of our debt and get my credit back to a decent spot. We would be able to save for a down payment, and put some away to buy things for a future house. I think we would both be able to take huge sigh of relief that we're finally back on track.
Obviously this plan requires my parents participation, and that's where the hang up is. I can't blame them for not wanting their two adult children and two grandchildren to be in their faces constantly, so I'm completely aware of what a tall request this is. I'm hoping, though, that they'll see how much it would benefit us.
Who knows when this house buying saga will continue. Someday, though, we will own a house.
We sat down with the listing agent, all the papers in front of us, and began going through everything. What's included in the house, what's not, closing date, etc. In the midst of it all, our mortgage broker called to tell us that YES, we're pre-approved. With a loan amount of x the payments will be about $1500.
Woooahhhh there. Back that train up.
Tom and I looked at each other with intense shock and fear. $1500 a month was not the number we had come up with. We were struggling to accept a $1300 payment, but adding that additional $200 pretty much blew things out of the water.
With both of us panicking, but not really knowing what to do, we continued going over all the paperwork for the offer. Finally the listing agent stopped, looked at Tom, and said, "You don't look like you're comfortable with all of this." I think he took a huge sigh of relief when we were able to put the brakes on and talk about everything. We sat in the conference room alone for a bit, then we called Gary and told him where things stood, and then we called the listing agent back in.
So after all of that, we had to walk away.
It's weird to feel such a huge mixture of extreme disappointment and extreme relief all at the same time. That house would have been wonderful for us, and I'm sure that when and if we continue to look at homes, it's going to be beyond difficult to find one that will compare. At the same time, I think Tom and I would both prefer to be in a better financial position before we purchase a house. We knew what a good deal that house was, and our parents were willing to do whatever they could to help us take advantage of that deal. The problem is that we have quite a bit of debt to clear up, and we would be completely unable to furnish and decorate this awesome new house that we had.
We haven't quite figured out what our next step is in this whole process. Our ideal plan would be to tell our landlords that we're having financial difficulties (which isn't really a lie), pack our stuff into storage, and camp out at my parents house for a few months. With the money that we wouldn't be paying towards rent, electric, cable, etc., we would be able to pay off a lot of our debt and get my credit back to a decent spot. We would be able to save for a down payment, and put some away to buy things for a future house. I think we would both be able to take huge sigh of relief that we're finally back on track.
Obviously this plan requires my parents participation, and that's where the hang up is. I can't blame them for not wanting their two adult children and two grandchildren to be in their faces constantly, so I'm completely aware of what a tall request this is. I'm hoping, though, that they'll see how much it would benefit us.
Who knows when this house buying saga will continue. Someday, though, we will own a house.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Yes or No, Dammit
It's been a crazy week, and finally here I sit, waiting to hear back from our mortgage broker on whether or not we'll be able to get the financing for a home. I've honestly been driving myself crazy trying to get everything figured out, so at this point I'm just ready to hear an answer either way and move on. Hanging out in limbo land and not having answers is the hardest part of it all.
If we get the green light, we're headed out to Johnson Creek tonight to make an offer on the house we visited last week. We've been moving in fast forward trying to get the financing secured because there was a ton of interest in the house, and sure enough an offer came in yesterday. I hate the idea of competing with another buyer, and it's just one more hurdle we have to get over after running quite a race already. If we don't get an answer tonight on whether our financing will work, I think we'll be able to bid the house farewell and mourn our loss.
I haven't figured out what will happen if we secure financing but get our offer rejected. There's another house that we looked at on Monday that I would be equally as happy with, I think. It's brand new, but it's in Ixonia vs. Johnson Creek. So do we put in an offer on that one? Or do we take our rejected offer as a sign that this isn't our time to buy a house?
I could probably spend all day going over the various scenarios in my head. I need to remind myself to take things as they come.
Meanwhile, I sit. And wait. Hoping for the best but expecting the worst, even though I don't think those expectations will save me from being devastated should this all not work out.
My mom always tells me that if it's meant to be, it will be. I'm trying so hard to believe in that...
If we get the green light, we're headed out to Johnson Creek tonight to make an offer on the house we visited last week. We've been moving in fast forward trying to get the financing secured because there was a ton of interest in the house, and sure enough an offer came in yesterday. I hate the idea of competing with another buyer, and it's just one more hurdle we have to get over after running quite a race already. If we don't get an answer tonight on whether our financing will work, I think we'll be able to bid the house farewell and mourn our loss.
I haven't figured out what will happen if we secure financing but get our offer rejected. There's another house that we looked at on Monday that I would be equally as happy with, I think. It's brand new, but it's in Ixonia vs. Johnson Creek. So do we put in an offer on that one? Or do we take our rejected offer as a sign that this isn't our time to buy a house?
I could probably spend all day going over the various scenarios in my head. I need to remind myself to take things as they come.
Meanwhile, I sit. And wait. Hoping for the best but expecting the worst, even though I don't think those expectations will save me from being devastated should this all not work out.
My mom always tells me that if it's meant to be, it will be. I'm trying so hard to believe in that...
Saturday, July 9, 2011
This Crazy Life
It's been an eventful week, to say the least.
Despite my day going relatively well on Sunday, it ended on a sour note. When I finally checked my phone at 9 o'clock that evening, I had several missed calls and a voicemail from my parents. I spoke with Gary and found out that a very loved family friend (and MC at our wedding) had suffered a massive stroke earlier in the day. They had drilled a hole in her skull to relieve pressure, and she was comatose. Her husband was at the hospital with her, but they didn't have any other family or close friends that lived in the area. My parents decided that the husband, Ron, could use some support, so off to the hospital they went. Monday was the 4th of July, and despite wanting to visit the various parades and activities going on, I decided to join my parents at the hospital. The outlook was extremely poor for Joyce - there was no brain activity - so I felt the need to say my goodbyes and support Ron. Their family finally started arriving later that night, so we were relieved of our "duties". Joyce was taken off life support and subsequently passed on Thursday afternoon.
It's so scary to think that things can change so drastically in a matter of seconds. One minute you're getting chicken out of the freezer for dinner, the next minute you're gone. I came home and hugged my boys a little tighter.
We're also looking at the possibility of buying a house. We've been dreaming of making this happen for the last year, with a pretty extensive house hunt early last summer. It's always been just barely out of our reach financially, and that is beyond frustrating. Recently, a house down the street from my parents entered foreclosure, and at $181,000 it was quite a steal. With my parents push, we decided to look at our financing options to see if buying the house would be possible for us. We had a few options lined up, so Gary called the agent who held the listing, and was of course told that they had accepted an offer a few days ago. Of course.
We took a look at the other listings in Johnson Creek and had a very select few homes that seemed appealing. One of them is in a slightly older subdivision next to my parents subdivision, and with 4 bedrooms and a list price of $185,000, is another awesome deal. I wasn't too optimistic about it because the layout didn't look all that great based on the pictures, but we went to see it last night anyway. It's actually a beautiful home that I can honestly see being wonderful for our boys to grow up in, and offers way more than I ever thought we would get in our first home.
So, we forge on with figuring out our financing and see if this home could indeed be our home in the future. There's a lot that needs to get squared away still, so for that reason I'm not getting too excited yet. But a few things have already come up that make the possibility slightly larger.
We had to take Wes to the doctor yesterday because of his recent desire to projectile vomit several times throughout the week. He hadn't been acting right for a few days, but the spit-up was getting especially ridiculous. The physicians assistant simply said that we're feeding him too much, which I'm sure is partly (maybe even mostly) true. His feeding schedule had gotten so out of whack because he was constantly acting hungry, so we were actually at a point where he seemed to literally be eating all day. We've eased up on the bottle a bit and bought all sorts of different pacifiers to try. He seems to like the sucking, so now we're just working on being able to tell when he's truly hungry vs. when he just wants to suck. I'm seeing progress already today so at least I know we're on the right track.
Aiden is at my parents this weekend. We took him over there last night and he's staying tonight, too. Tom and I can definitely use the break from his constant tantrums, and he deserves the fun of staying with his Grams and Opa. I think he's still adjusting to Wesley's arrival and trying to figure out his place in the whole situation, so a weekend away with his grandparents is a good opportunity to forget about it all and just be...Aiden. I'm taking the time to relax and snuggle with Wes a bit more, and I'm hoping that Tom and I can enjoy some quiet time tonight, too. Even a dinner where we don't have to struggle with Aiden will be nice.
I think it's time to lay on the couch and snuggle my little boy. It won't be long before the snuggle phase is over and I have another active, mobile baby on my hands, so I'm trying to soak it in as best as I can.
Despite my day going relatively well on Sunday, it ended on a sour note. When I finally checked my phone at 9 o'clock that evening, I had several missed calls and a voicemail from my parents. I spoke with Gary and found out that a very loved family friend (and MC at our wedding) had suffered a massive stroke earlier in the day. They had drilled a hole in her skull to relieve pressure, and she was comatose. Her husband was at the hospital with her, but they didn't have any other family or close friends that lived in the area. My parents decided that the husband, Ron, could use some support, so off to the hospital they went. Monday was the 4th of July, and despite wanting to visit the various parades and activities going on, I decided to join my parents at the hospital. The outlook was extremely poor for Joyce - there was no brain activity - so I felt the need to say my goodbyes and support Ron. Their family finally started arriving later that night, so we were relieved of our "duties". Joyce was taken off life support and subsequently passed on Thursday afternoon.
It's so scary to think that things can change so drastically in a matter of seconds. One minute you're getting chicken out of the freezer for dinner, the next minute you're gone. I came home and hugged my boys a little tighter.
We're also looking at the possibility of buying a house. We've been dreaming of making this happen for the last year, with a pretty extensive house hunt early last summer. It's always been just barely out of our reach financially, and that is beyond frustrating. Recently, a house down the street from my parents entered foreclosure, and at $181,000 it was quite a steal. With my parents push, we decided to look at our financing options to see if buying the house would be possible for us. We had a few options lined up, so Gary called the agent who held the listing, and was of course told that they had accepted an offer a few days ago. Of course.
We took a look at the other listings in Johnson Creek and had a very select few homes that seemed appealing. One of them is in a slightly older subdivision next to my parents subdivision, and with 4 bedrooms and a list price of $185,000, is another awesome deal. I wasn't too optimistic about it because the layout didn't look all that great based on the pictures, but we went to see it last night anyway. It's actually a beautiful home that I can honestly see being wonderful for our boys to grow up in, and offers way more than I ever thought we would get in our first home.
So, we forge on with figuring out our financing and see if this home could indeed be our home in the future. There's a lot that needs to get squared away still, so for that reason I'm not getting too excited yet. But a few things have already come up that make the possibility slightly larger.
We had to take Wes to the doctor yesterday because of his recent desire to projectile vomit several times throughout the week. He hadn't been acting right for a few days, but the spit-up was getting especially ridiculous. The physicians assistant simply said that we're feeding him too much, which I'm sure is partly (maybe even mostly) true. His feeding schedule had gotten so out of whack because he was constantly acting hungry, so we were actually at a point where he seemed to literally be eating all day. We've eased up on the bottle a bit and bought all sorts of different pacifiers to try. He seems to like the sucking, so now we're just working on being able to tell when he's truly hungry vs. when he just wants to suck. I'm seeing progress already today so at least I know we're on the right track.
Aiden is at my parents this weekend. We took him over there last night and he's staying tonight, too. Tom and I can definitely use the break from his constant tantrums, and he deserves the fun of staying with his Grams and Opa. I think he's still adjusting to Wesley's arrival and trying to figure out his place in the whole situation, so a weekend away with his grandparents is a good opportunity to forget about it all and just be...Aiden. I'm taking the time to relax and snuggle with Wes a bit more, and I'm hoping that Tom and I can enjoy some quiet time tonight, too. Even a dinner where we don't have to struggle with Aiden will be nice.
I think it's time to lay on the couch and snuggle my little boy. It won't be long before the snuggle phase is over and I have another active, mobile baby on my hands, so I'm trying to soak it in as best as I can.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Getting There
The day isn't completely over, so I may be jumping the gun a bit, but I'm feeling rather proud of how well it went.
Adjusting to life with two kids has been less than easy on me, and that has been with constant support and help from my husband and parents. I have yet to learn how to cope well with irreversible change, and it sends me flying into a huge pit of depression and despair. I wasn't able to escape it with Wes's arrival like I had hoped. Getting through the past three weeks has undoubtedly been a team effort, and because of those efforts I haven't had to care for both boys on my own up until this weekend.
Today I finally feel like we're on the right track. I'm getting to the point where I feel like I can actually handle this whole two children thing. I'm okay with the fact that it's not going to be easy, and I know there's going to be days when I question why I ever thought I was ready for such a crazy adventure. But at least I'm finding the faith that I'm strong enough to do this.
After a good nights sleep (Wes and I fell asleep around 11:30pm and he only woke up at 4am) and a few cups of morning coffee (which I now realize how much I missed) I felt pretty prepared for the day. Between playdoh and some time spent outside, we had a good morning with hardly any meltdowns from Aiden. He ate his lunch, went pee-pee in the potty and had NO accidents in his Thomas undies, and fell asleep for a nap. Simple things that I never thought would excite me so much, but which have made this day quite a success.
I'm happy that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and that we're going the right direction to reach that light. I wouldn't say that I'm 100% comfortable in my new life, but I'm certainly getting there.
Adjusting to life with two kids has been less than easy on me, and that has been with constant support and help from my husband and parents. I have yet to learn how to cope well with irreversible change, and it sends me flying into a huge pit of depression and despair. I wasn't able to escape it with Wes's arrival like I had hoped. Getting through the past three weeks has undoubtedly been a team effort, and because of those efforts I haven't had to care for both boys on my own up until this weekend.
Today I finally feel like we're on the right track. I'm getting to the point where I feel like I can actually handle this whole two children thing. I'm okay with the fact that it's not going to be easy, and I know there's going to be days when I question why I ever thought I was ready for such a crazy adventure. But at least I'm finding the faith that I'm strong enough to do this.
After a good nights sleep (Wes and I fell asleep around 11:30pm and he only woke up at 4am) and a few cups of morning coffee (which I now realize how much I missed) I felt pretty prepared for the day. Between playdoh and some time spent outside, we had a good morning with hardly any meltdowns from Aiden. He ate his lunch, went pee-pee in the potty and had NO accidents in his Thomas undies, and fell asleep for a nap. Simple things that I never thought would excite me so much, but which have made this day quite a success.
I'm happy that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and that we're going the right direction to reach that light. I wouldn't say that I'm 100% comfortable in my new life, but I'm certainly getting there.
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Nightmare Child
I'm going insane.
My sweet, happy, easy-going (for the most part) 2.5 year old has turned into...well...a monster. Harsh maybe, but disgustingly true.
If we go more than 20 minutes without a major meltdown, I consider myself lucky. Everything is the end of the world lately, and "No!" is his new favorite answer. Meal times are a battle (anything besides mac n cheese is rejected), sleeping is a battle (crying hysterically because he threw his burp rag off the bed, or he's cold, or there's an imaginary booger in his nose), and being out in public is the ultimate battle.
Today was an especially rough day because I was home alone with both kids. Wesley needs about an hour of my time every four-ish hours, and the rest of his time is spent sleeping or staring into space. He's insanely low-key. Of course, though, during that hour, Aiden decides he neeeeds everything under the sun and suddenly has lost all ability to do anything himself. Leave it to my toddler to make me feel insanely guilty when I have to say "I'm sorry but I'm feeding Wes right now. You'll have to wait a minute."
- Cue meltdown from Aiden. -
I thought it was a brilliant idea when I cooked Aiden his lunch, sat him down to eat, and then proceeded to feed Wes. Multi-tasking is what good moms are made of, after all. It wasn't very long into the meal when I heard sounds of food hitting the floor behind me. I promptly put Wes down (in the middle of his bottle) and walked over to find pieces of corndog lying everywhere. When I told Aiden that he was getting his plate taken away, he decided to send his entire plate flying in retaliation.
Seriously, I wanted to cry.
I'm at a loss here. I don't know if this is because of Wes's arrival, or if it's just him being a toddler. I don't know if I need to give him more love and understanding, or more discipline. I don't know what to do when we're in the middle of Target and he's screaming his head off and I need to finish what I came there to do. This is the part of parenting that I clearly suck at.
In other news...
Ants have infested our house and we're struggling to find where and why they're getting in. What's most bothersome is that they're the worst in Aiden's room. We bought ant poison to set out and sprayed around the windows, so hopefully that works. I'm thoroughly disgusted, though, and Tom isn't exactly being pro-active about the situation because "it's not like they're killer ants or something."
I have another long day of taking care of Aiden and Wes ahead of me tomorrow. I hate that I'm dreading it, but I am. On broken sleep, I just seem to be completely lacking the ability to deal with the situation effectively, and I honestly feel like such a failure because of it. I really hope he gives me a break tomorrow.
My sweet, happy, easy-going (for the most part) 2.5 year old has turned into...well...a monster. Harsh maybe, but disgustingly true.
If we go more than 20 minutes without a major meltdown, I consider myself lucky. Everything is the end of the world lately, and "No!" is his new favorite answer. Meal times are a battle (anything besides mac n cheese is rejected), sleeping is a battle (crying hysterically because he threw his burp rag off the bed, or he's cold, or there's an imaginary booger in his nose), and being out in public is the ultimate battle.
Today was an especially rough day because I was home alone with both kids. Wesley needs about an hour of my time every four-ish hours, and the rest of his time is spent sleeping or staring into space. He's insanely low-key. Of course, though, during that hour, Aiden decides he neeeeds everything under the sun and suddenly has lost all ability to do anything himself. Leave it to my toddler to make me feel insanely guilty when I have to say "I'm sorry but I'm feeding Wes right now. You'll have to wait a minute."
- Cue meltdown from Aiden. -
I thought it was a brilliant idea when I cooked Aiden his lunch, sat him down to eat, and then proceeded to feed Wes. Multi-tasking is what good moms are made of, after all. It wasn't very long into the meal when I heard sounds of food hitting the floor behind me. I promptly put Wes down (in the middle of his bottle) and walked over to find pieces of corndog lying everywhere. When I told Aiden that he was getting his plate taken away, he decided to send his entire plate flying in retaliation.
Seriously, I wanted to cry.
I'm at a loss here. I don't know if this is because of Wes's arrival, or if it's just him being a toddler. I don't know if I need to give him more love and understanding, or more discipline. I don't know what to do when we're in the middle of Target and he's screaming his head off and I need to finish what I came there to do. This is the part of parenting that I clearly suck at.
In other news...
Ants have infested our house and we're struggling to find where and why they're getting in. What's most bothersome is that they're the worst in Aiden's room. We bought ant poison to set out and sprayed around the windows, so hopefully that works. I'm thoroughly disgusted, though, and Tom isn't exactly being pro-active about the situation because "it's not like they're killer ants or something."
I have another long day of taking care of Aiden and Wes ahead of me tomorrow. I hate that I'm dreading it, but I am. On broken sleep, I just seem to be completely lacking the ability to deal with the situation effectively, and I honestly feel like such a failure because of it. I really hope he gives me a break tomorrow.
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